With 20 of my closest friends, I recently celebrated the ‘well-lived life’ of a high school classmate who passed away.
We discussed everything from daily routines, life accomplishments, and family highlights, to broken relationships, failed careers, and life-changing accidents.
The theme that repeatedly surfaced was the importance of being prepared to take what life gives you and make the best of it. Life will undoubtedly throw you curve balls; how you adjust is what counts.
When I say ‘curve balls,’ most people envision dealing with failures and setbacks. In this instance, however, I’m talking about the curve balls that come with success.
When all your hard work pays off, and you finally reach the summit of that mountain you’ve been climbing, will you be prepared? Are your morals, ethics, and values solidly in place to withstand the challenges that are bound to come? Why do I ask?
We routinely hear about the
lottery winner who ends up broke
superstar who gets distracted by shiny objects, and loses everything
‘success story’ who fires the one person keeping him grounded, and squanders the career he worked hard to build
celebrity who lets success go to her head and turns into a jerk
To stories like that the average Joe says, “If that had been me, I would have handled it better than they did. Give me a chance; I’ll show you how to handle success!” Are you sure?
Though relatively common, we rarely hear about the
aspiring manager who gets a long-awaited promotion only to cave under the pressure
new parents blessed with a newborn, only to have their relationship end in separation
partnership that collapses when the title of breadwinner changes hands
marriage unable to withstand the travel schedule of the new Executive
The stories of poorly managed success look amazingly similar to the stories of poorly managed setbacks because they share a common thread; failure to prepare for change.
Are you certain who you are, what you stand for and what you believe? Is your support system in place, and have you identified the people you can count on when others fail you? Is your faith strong enough to withstand the challenges it will undoubtedly face? Have you anticipated the changes that come with success?
It’s not too early to consider these questions.
Each newsletter ends with Learn together, Grow together, Succeed together. I’m preparing you for success because with the effort you’ve been making lately success is undoubtedly headed your way!
Are you reluctant, hesitant or fearful of giving constructive feedback to top performers?
If a leader’s job is to:
create a success-oriented work environment that employees can thrive in
help employees improve, regardless their level of performance
That includes all employees, even your top performers, right?
Many leaders understand and accept that position, but struggle to do it, especially when it requires delivering constructive feedback to their best folks.
The reasons for their reluctance vary.
From Deliverer concerns like:
not wanting to appear unappreciative of a top performer’s stellar performance
being uncomfortable giving them constructive feedback – “they know more than me”
having the luxury of not giving any feedback and still meeting team goals
To Receiver concerns like:
my top performers don’t appear to want feedback and might not receive it well
fear that after delivering the feedback, their performance will decrease
While no universal approach exists that is effective, every time, for everyone, there are general guidelines to follow. Applying these rules to the concerns above will help decrease your reluctance.
Deliverer concerns
You won’t appear unappreciative if, over time, you’ve delivered enough appreciative feedback that they value, for their stellar performance. Have you?
You cannot wait until you are comfortable. Your comfort level will only increase after you deliver this feedback, manage responses and customize the approach.
YOU have areas of expertise that they don’t. Look for ways to apply your expertise to help them display their expertise and close skill gaps.
While you may still meet team goals without delivering any feedback, helping everyone reach their potential should be your concern.
Receiver concerns
When top performers realize – on their own – that they made a mistake, they typically beat themselves up. Realize that part of their difficulty receiving your message has nothing to do with you. You’re just a witness to their disappointment and embarrassment.
Constructive feedback stings. Even people who ask for it may flinch or get defensive when you deliver it. Anticipate reactions, and prepare responses that keep the conversation focused on the end goal.
Pleasant meetings, where feedback is well received are enjoyable, but they are not your ultimate goal. Many top performers, who do not receive feedback well, eventually apply it and improve performance when they realize it has value and you delivered it with good intention.
While top performers may be different in their:
level of contribution
demands they put on themselves
expectations of perfection
scrutiny of their performance
They are not different about having blind spots.
Blind spots are things we do not see in ourselves, that are obvious to others. Others will benefit when you sensitively point out their blind spots and support their efforts to accept them and improve. People who value being the best, and pride themselves on top performance match the profile of those most inclined to address the blind spots revealed.
Helping top performers improve may be your easiest ‘sell’ and the greatest return on investment that you will make as a leader.
The problem with all students is that they inevitably stop somewhere. They hear an idea and they hold on to it until it becomes dead; they want to flatter themselves that they know the truth…. everyone must constantly be pushed to the abyss… you must continually start over and challenge yourself.
That’s my perspective, what’s yours? Leave us a comment or question below this post, and don’t miss the video on this topic on YouTube!
P.S. Next week: Are You Prepared For Success?
In 2 Weeks: Part Two – Helping Top Performers Improve.
Thanksgiving is a day for family get-togethers, pumpkin and sweet potato pie, turkey and ham with all the fixin’s, and thoughts and prayers of thanks for our bounty.
As our business turns to an online presence, Heather and I want to thank you for your continued support. We consider it an honor that you take the time to:
read our newsletters
watch our videos on YouTube
send us your comments and thoughts
sign up for classes
When I began teaching 39 years ago, I was a very different person. I knew much less, though I wouldn’t have admitted it then. Throughout the years, the greatest gifts I’ve received are the lessons I learned from my students.
The lessons come from those who:
confidently disagree with me
share their knowledge with me
are gracious enough to leave comments
I appreciate your gifts more than you know.
Who gave you a gift? What are YOU thankful for?
To acknowledge those who made a difference in your life, consider thanking someone who:
supported you
helped you in your career
taught you a valuable lesson
made you laugh when you needed it
encouraged you to believe in yourself
Find a specific reason to thank them, and realize that when you thank them for making a difference in your life, you make a difference in their life.
Giving Is The Only Reaching That Can Touch!
Travel safely, thaw the turkey before you deep fry it, go easy on the pies, and don’t snore too loudly because others want to watch the football games in peace!
After reading the Want more from life? ASK for it! post, Monique wrote me and asked, “Craig, you said to control the factors that influence results, like body language, facial expressions, etc. Will you be more specific?”
An important influence on getting what you ask for is your expectation of the recipient’s response. Dr. Milton Erikson’s Law of Expectations states “85% of what you expect to happen…will” because in certain ways you cause them to happen.
Let’s visualize how expectations affect how we ask. Think about a time when you asked a friend to go somewhere with you. Close your eyes and picture yourself asking, expecting a yes AND no response.
What did you see? When you expected them to say no, you assumed one of two postures:
aggressive – feeling you had to overpower them into saying yes
submissive – feeling you didn’t have a strong enough case to seriously consider
Both postures undermine your desire to have your request approved.
If you saw yourself as aggressive, you probably pictured yourself ready for a battle, or ready to defend your request, with your:
Body tense, leaning in, with shoulders forward
Hands held tight or fists clenched
Facial muscles tensed
Eyes glaring or staring intensely
Voice strained or forced
Volume moderate to loud, with strong emphasis on certain words
If you saw yourself as submissive, expecting rejection, you probably pictured your:
Shoulders slouched or hunched, and head lowered
Hands fidgeting, with restless arms
Facial expression sad, hands covering your mouth or hiding behind your hair
Eyes downward, avoiding eye contact
Voice faint and hard to hear
Speech staggered and hesitant, with an indirect, wandering message
When you expected them to say yes, you probably pictured your:
Posture upright and firm, head held high, chin out, eyes up, comfortable yet strong
Palms open, body movements natural, not forced
Pleasant facial expression, relaxed, yet attentive,
Confident eye contact- look directly at them without being intimidating
Voice inflections matched the message, with a moderate volume and direct message
There are several ways to expect a positive response.
Remember a time when you asked for something that was granted, and emulate how you asked in that situation.
Visualize the person saying yes before you ask.
Position your body correctly, because it is hard to speak submissively or aggressively when your head is up, your chin is out, your shoulders are back and you are standing or sitting upright.
Choose the approach that works best for you and make sure your request is reasonable and the delivery is direct. Avoid submissive phrases like:
If it fits your schedule, or it’s not too much trouble
If I’m not putting you out too much, or it’s not too much to ask
I don’t mean to trouble you or bother you
I’m sorry to ask you this
Follow these guidelines, stay persistent and patient with yourself as you design your new asking style, and let me know how it goes.
Do you spend more time doing things you have to do and less time doing what you want to do? It’s time to reprioritize your life, to take some time to waste some time. What do I mean?
Schedule four hours to sit under a tree or in some quiet, peaceful place, and do nothing. If you just said, “I don’t have four hours to sit under a tree” you really need to do this exercise!
Don’t take your phone, tablet, computer or book. Quiet the noise, focus on nothing, do nothing, just listen. And if you just said, “I can’t sit still that long,” keep reading because I address that in a minute! When you listen to your life, it will tell you the changes to make to be happier.
There are two approaches you could use to reprioritize your life:
systematically analyze every facet of your life (sounds like work)
shutdown, quiet the noise and let the answers come to you (peaceful choice)
When you quiet that competing noise, the answers you’re searching for will be heard loud and clear. If you’re not convinced your life talks to you, where do you think the messages ‘don’t eat that’ and ‘why am I standing here looking at the food in my refrigerator’ come from?
Finding four hours may seem tough, but it’s worth it. You’ll end up determining if the stuff you’ve crammed your life full of is the stuff that will make you happy or not! How cool is that!
Don’t be afraid to slow down, knowing you’ll hear the messages. If the messages are disappointing or painful, use them as a motivator to change. Pain is there for a reason; it’s there to help you, and it’s telling you something is wrong. So change something!
The first step to change what’s wrong is to face the pain, understand it, and then decide what, when and how to change. In the movie I Am Not Your Negro, James Baldwin said, “Not everything that is faced can be changed, but nothing can be changed until it is faced.”
One last thing, change the narrative that being super busy is cool. People brag about how busy they are and wear it like a badge of honor, implying that staying busy equates to being important and significant. Sometimes busy only equates to busy. Don’t confuse activity for progress, especially if staying busy all the time is not making you happy.
“Beware the barrenness of a busy life.” – Socrates
Life is going faster and faster all on its own. Don’t be a victim of it; control the pace and activities of your life by consciously choosing them based on messages you hear while quiet.
Take some time to waste some time.
You don’t have to do it every week, or even every month
Do it the next time your life seems out of control and chaotic
If four hours seems too long, try two hours, or an hour, or 15 minutes
If your brain resists slowing down the first time you try, keep at it and try a second and third time. Eventually, it will slow down enough, and the messages will clearly reveal how to increase joy and happiness and create the life you always knew was possible.
