Passive-aggressive behavior is one of the most destructive forces you will encounter in the workplace. It can destroy the teamwork you worked so hard to create. As the manager, you should address this quickly by setting new expectations for the team.
Rather than mandating the new expectations, get their buy-in to resolving differences among themselves in the following manner: In a team meeting say, “I’d like your input on how you prefer to resolve differences with each other. If a teammate has an issue with you or something you are doing, would you prefer:
they bring it to me (the manager) without discussing it with you. Then I will discuss it with you, without saying who brought it to my attention, OR
they come to you, and the two of you discuss the issue face to face?”
Most people prefer to discuss it with their teammate. When your team chooses that option, you now have their buy-in. Then say to them, “Because we are all in agreement, let’s make that the new expectation. When you come to me with a problem you have with a teammate, I will ask you what you said to them before coming to me.”
Then get their commitment to follow the 3 R’s:
Resolve issues with your teammates and not engage in passive-aggressive behavior
Refuse to listen to a teammate complaining about another – thereby eliminating the passive-aggressive person’s audience
Redirect the person to deliver the message to the appropriate person
When they accept responsibility for resolving differences, the results will be:
more teammates resolving differences between themselves
fewer people coming to you to complain about teammates
more tolerance of their teammate’s behavior
increased teamwork as a result of better communication
If an employee comes to you for help when they don’t know how to address an issue and don’t want to make the situation worse, that is when you coach one or both of them how to have a respectful discussion or mediate between them. I’ll discuss mediation in another post.
That’s my perspective, what’s yours? Leave us a comment or question below and thanks for reading!
You create the life you have by the choices you make – what you choose to do and choose not to do. It’s true that life sends some stuff your way that you don’t choose, but you control what you get.
One choice I encourage you to make is to ask for what you want.
I remember being in a relationship with a woman who brought home pair after pair of new shoes, and bragged that they were all leather and she didn’t pay a dime for them. When I asked her how she got them, she replied, “I asked for them.”
She was fortunate to wear the same size as the samples, and she was intentional in asking for what she wanted – free, all leather shoes! It was amazing how many salespeople would give away those sample sizes. If I had not learned how valuable it was to ask for what you want before then, I learned it from her. By the way, her name was not Imelda Marcos!
Many people struggle to ask for what they want. They also have a hard time saying no to others and yes to themselves. A consequence of not asking for things is you don’t get all you deserve. I want you to get everything you deserve in life, so let’s examine how to ask.
First, you need to move past the barriers that keep you from asking. Listed below are some of them, and my responses.
Reason: I shouldn’t have to ask, they should already know what I want. Counter: Sometimes people don’t know. Sometimes they do know but expect you to ask for what you want. If I were a car salesman and knew you wanted a discounted price, I wouldn’t give it to you unless you ask!
Reason: I fear conflict, and do my best to avoid it. Counter: There is no way to avoid conflict – you are simply choosing the location of the conflict. You are choosing between a potential conflict with someone else when you ask OR a guaranteed conflict with yourself when you don’t muster the strength to ask. Beating yourself up lasts longer and does more damage to your self-esteem. It can also become a vicious cycle: You don’t ask, you don’t receive, you internalize that you don’t deserve, which discourages you from asking—repeat the cycle.
Reason: I’ve had negative experiences in the past when asking for things. Counter: Don’t let past disappointments stand in the way of future successes. Learn how to control the factors that influence results – then start asking again. Learn about making requests and using the proper body language, facial expressions, tone of voice, eye contact, volume and inflections, and presentation of information.
Reason: I’m a people pleaser and tend to put others’ needs ahead of mine. Counter: The more you take care of others, the more important it is that you maintain good health. You need to be self-oriented and say yes to taking care of yourself and no to others’ requests. When reenergized, you can go back to taking care of others.
Reason: Asking shows weakness. Counter: Asking for what you want shows strength – strength that you can take care of yourself. Find a successful person, and you will find an assertive person who asks for what they want.
What is the best way to ask?
the easier it is for you to ask, the easier it is for them to say no or deny your request
the harder it is for you to ask, the harder it is for them to say no or deny your request
Method: written – text, email, letter Difficulty: easiest to do – easiest to ignore or reject
Method: verbally from a distance – phone, skype, facetime, teleconference Difficulty: harder to do, harder to ignore or reject
Method: verbally in person – face to face Difficulty: hardest to do, hardest to ignore or reject
I always make it hardest on myself, because I want to make it hardest on them to say no.
Asking for what you want will change your life. You won’t always get what you want, but it’s your best chance to do so. The biggest reward is internal; even if they deny your request, you will feel good about yourself for asking!
One last tip, if you haven’t asked much in the past, you will not feel comfortable asking now. Don’t wait till you are comfortable; you will only get more comfortable with practice and some positive results.
Ask more of yourself and get out of your comfort zone. You may find the results appealing enough to make it a new habit. Who knows, you may end up with a closet full of shoes – or more of what YOU want from life!
You’ve had your head down for a long, long time now. Isn’t it time to pick up your head, remove your nose from the grindstone and relax a bit while you take a 50,000-foot view of your successes?
You bet it is! You have reason to celebrate, but you haven’t… yet, and you need to. If not now, when?
What are you celebrating? That’s for you to determine, but there is something.
If you don’t yet know what it is, keep reading, and by the end of this letter, you will know. The more difficult it is to identify a reason to celebrate, the more you need to stop and celebrate.
Celebrating now will be difficult for several reasons:
your head has been down for so long it will be uncomfortable in any other position
an urgency to do more will make it feel like wasted time
deadlines of all types, like little haunting voices, will tell you not to stop – not even for a moment
any celebration will feel premature and uncomfortable
But the break and rest are necessary and serve many functions. They fuel your:
body with the energy needed to continue, when the time is right
mind with thoughts of accomplishment
heart with the courage to fight harder
spirit with the hope and expectation of the wonderful results just over the next hill and around the next corner
So fight the urge to push on right now. Surround your reluctant self with reason after reason it’s a good time to take a break. Bask in the beauty of the elevated view – you deserve it!
Don’t worry, a realization of awaiting tasks will overtake you soon enough. For now, you are free; soaring like an eagle, admiring your handiwork and smiling proudly!
Finally, reread this letter each month. In that time I’m certain you’ll have something else that is celebration worthy, right? Absolutely!
We are a team, but you know what they say about team; there’s no I in team!
If we are a team, and Sam Slacker is not doing his job, why do I have to do my job?
What do they have in common? Statement one partially created statement two in the workplace. From time to time business grabs hold of an idea they believe has great value and only later discovers that the idea was flawed and created things never intended. “We are a team” did that.
Unintended effect: Use the word we in place of I and you. Revision: Use the words I, you and we appropriately to reinforce team and personal responsibility—i.e., “We are a team. I am here to help you. What are you going to do to assist your teammates and perform up to your potential?”
Unintended effect: It’s not necessary to look at your performance separate from the performance of your teammates. Revision: While it’s productive to compare the performance of teammates, expect employees to measure themselves against their potential – separate from others’ performance.
Unintended effect: It’s OK to stop short of doing your best if less than your best positions you as the highest performer on the team. Revision: Doing less than your best is never – and has never been – acceptable. Expect excellence in the workplace from everyone.
Communicate to the team your expectation that they get up in the morning, look at themselves in the mirror and say, “I will compete with myself to be the very best person I can be in the workplace today. I won’t even think about commenting on another person’s performance or comparing myself to them until I know I’m giving my best. My best is defined as both my personal best and my team best.”
Unintended effect: Competition among teammates is discouraged. Revision: Encourage competition among employees, as the world of sports does. They understand that Competition and Teamwork are Compatible and that when teammates compete, all grow and improve. Encourage your people to:
first compete with themselves to be their best,
compete with teammates to make each other better, and
cooperate with each other to raise overall team performance.
The manager’s job is to communicate when it’s time for them to compete with themselves and others, and when it’s time to put their competitive selves aside and bring forth their cooperative selves. Manage this well and watch the performance of each individual and the team improve!
You see, I subscribe to the Michael Jordan School of Teamwork. Michael, one of the greatest basketball players of all time, after hearing “We are a team, but you know what they say about team; there’s no I in team” responded, “There is no “i” in team but there is in win.”
Competition and Teamwork ARE Compatible. First believe it is possible, then create it.
I have always believed that talking to people I disagree with has tremendous value, as does reading and watching content that promotes a viewpoint contrary to mine. I must admit, it’s not always easy, but I’m definitely wiser in the end.
I’m pretty sure that perspective is not shared by all – especially lately. The divide between people with opposing views appears to be getting larger, to the point where I’m questioning whether the statement ‘agree to disagree and respectfully coexist’ still applies.
I think the ‘it’s not easy’ part is helping to divide us when the ‘I’m wiser in the end’ part ought to be uniting us. What’s likely causing this divide?
News and talk shows promote more biased and skewed views of the facts, causing people to completely avoid some shows and gravitate to those they agree with.
Businesses encourage employees not to discuss controversial subjects while at work.
Many companies foster unspoken mandates such as ‘we must all agree for the good of the team’ and ‘don’t say anything that might be upsetting to another.’
In spite of the heralded message to value ALL ideas, it appears we are losing our penchant for valuable, respectful exchange when views differ. I believe that when you recognize there is an opportunity to benefit from the exchange, the benefits reveal themselves.
Take the challenge to grow!
Move outside your social media feed. Read and watch things you know you will disagree with – at least partially – if not totally.
Listen to talk shows and watch newscasts that promote opinions different than yours.
Talk more often to people who disagree with you on certain topics.
Caution: This may cause emotional upset. Decide that no matter what happens, you will stay respectful in what you write, say or do. When interacting, I suggest you adopt the habit of replacing the words right and wrong with agree and disagree, as much as possible.
Telling someone that you’re right and they’re wrong is positioning yourself as the all-knowing judge and jury. In claiming the high ground, you’re suggesting there’s no point in disagreeing with you. Saying right and wrong can end discussions (and infuriate people) while using agree and disagree leaves room to continue the discussion beyond the point of disagreement.
Also, it helps to say “I agree or disagree with your idea” rather than “I agree or disagree with you.” You have ideas, but you and your ideas are not the same things – ideas can more easily be changed.
You can have great conversations and relationships with people you disagree with – even strongly disagree with. I disagree with many of my friends over multiple issues, and I love that we remain friends.
In fact, I value them – even more – because we have learned to disagree, learn from each other, and continue a relationship. More important, you can too!
