What the heck happened? I don’t understand! You gotta be kidding me! I didn’t expect that to happen! That’s not the way that was supposed to turn out!
Have you ever felt that way after a conversation?
If you’ve ever gotten into a conversation expecting it to go well only to have it spin out of control and end badly, you will be interested in learning about the feedback loop.
Understanding and utilizing the feedback loop will help keep your conversations on track.
In the accompanying video, I explain this visual communication tool, and how doing the right things keeps a conversation on track, and doing the wrong things derails it. Keys points shown are
identify your purpose before beginning
action needs to match intention
understand how others affect you
act rather than react
We also need to address those conversations you expect to be difficult. Do you hesitate to have them or avoid them, even when it’s your responsibility to do so? Hotly contested conversations can pleasantly surprise you. Learn how
warm, comfortable conversations can result in not accomplishing your goal
challenging conversations can be very productive
One aspect of becoming an effective communicator is controlling your part of the conversation. It requires you follow key communication principles and avoid those tempting, reactive, self-defeating responses.
Learn these principles and watch your conversations improve to the point where you welcome all conversations, knowing you can hold your own, stay fixed on your purpose, and communicate effectively.
I delivered a speech a while ago titled Ain’t My Fault. I felt compelled to do it after reading countless articles on the disturbing trend of people blaming others for their mistakes.
What’s worse is that this victimhood trend extends to people blaming everyone and everything for the state of their life. It’s easy to take credit for success; mistakes not so much.
Conventional explanations for this trend are
The middle class is struggling to make ends meet and wants a quick payout.
Being civil to each other is on the decrease. We are becoming more self-absorbed and find it easier to take advantage of each other.
It’s easy to get away with things – things we know are wrong.
Regardless the actual origin(s), the effects are varied, profound and disheartening. I long for a time when every person looks in the mirror and says to themselves
This is who I am, what I stand for and believe in
I stand for integrity, honesty, and truthfulness
My actions reflect those values, and I’m proud of who I’ve become
Why is it critical to accept responsibility for your mistakes and shortcomings?
When you accept responsibility, you get a chance to learn the lesson that situation offered you.
Growth as a person requires learning those lessons; blaming others isolates us from the lesson.
Besides, life lessons are so persistent that if you don’t learn them the first time they appear in your life, they will keep reappearing until you do!
You may as well have the courage to say
What happened is my mistake; I accept it and the consequences.
What is the lesson I need to learn? OK, got it.
I will learn it, move past it, and become a better person.
When the next lesson comes, repeat that sequence. One of the keys to lifelong success is learning the lessons life presents us, and moving on to the next lesson!
When you accept responsibility for your actions, the rest of us will benefit, and we thank you in advance. Far greater than that is the fact that YOU will benefit.
If accepting responsibility is already your habit, Congratulations! If not, now’s your chance to position yourself for increased success.
Have faith! You have everything you need to learn life’s lessons within yourself.
In the post “How To Stop Passive-Aggressive Behavior In The Workplace” I shared how important it is and how to create a culture where teammates first attempt to resolve differences with each other before requesting leadership assistance.
The most productive teams involve the supervisor only as a last resort after teammates were unable to resolve their differences themselves.
If you inherited a team with a different culture, read the post above, change what is expected of teammates to resolve differences, and then prepare yourself to mediate, should it come to that.
Mediation is appropriate when
teammates unsuccessfully attempted to resolve differences
one person has a dominant personality, and the other has a passive personality
other teammates are getting involved and taking sides
a policy was violated
The first key to a successful mediation is to meet with each party separately before meeting together. Ask each participant the same questions to get both sides of the story and clarify your understanding of the problem and the barriers to resolving it.
After meeting with each employee, prepare mentally by considering
what you believe is the issue
their personalities and how each attempts to control conversations
any history between them, or similar issue and a different teammate
your ideas on how to resolve the issue
Have the participants agree to these ground rules before starting.
Stick to the issue – no discussing non-relevant matters
You will interrupt and redirect the conversation when necessary
Respect each other, even if they disagree
No interrupting, raising their voice, swearing, or personal attacks
They need to reach an agreement and commit to it before leaving
Explain the back and forth process, managed by you so that they will understand.
Each person gets a chance to talk while the other listens
The listener paraphrases what they heard, and if correct, gets an opportunity to respond
Repeat this process until you agree on a solution
Questions to ask each participant are
What’s the issue from your perspective?
What did you just hear them say?
What is your response to that statement?
What additional information would you like to add?
How do you suggest we resolve this?
Make sure both parties are clear on what each will do following the mediation. Schedule a follow-up meeting if necessary.
Manage this critical leadership function well and you will not only help resolve this disagreement but teach participants how to handle future disagreements and increase cooperation in the workplace.
In Part One of Helping Top Performers Improve I shared how to move past your hesitation and fear to deliver this feedback. If you struggle with this and haven’t read Part One, please read it and watch the accompanying video before reading this post, as Part Two begins where Part One ends.
Leaders are taught to treat everyone fairly, but that does not mean you treat everyone the same. Not treating people the same is especially true when it comes to feedback, as customization is the key.
The profile of Top Performers provides an instructive guide to effectively customizing feedback to them.
Top Performer Profile
have high integrity and are trustworthy
take a lot of initiative
make decisions based on facts
are good at managing their performance and always look for ways to improve
have high expectations and are tough on themselves when they make a mistake
are mild to highly sensitive to feedback
Level One Customization – based on the profile
stick to the facts
give objective data first, followed by subjective data and observations
use an approach that eliminates or minimizes their potential embarrassment or disappointment in themselves, while they are in front of you
realize they don’t need much involvement from you past the point of delivery
While points 1 and 2 apply to most people, points 3 and 4 are unique to Top Performers. They, by their performance, have earned the right to be given more freedom.
They are not equal, however, in how independently they can operate, thus creating a second level of customization. Include the following points in your second level of customization.
Level Two Customization – based on the individual and the message
Do they prefer to process feedback entirely on their own, or discuss it with you?
Does the complexity of the message necessitate a discussion or clarification?
If discussion if preferred or required, should it be immediate, or delayed?
Do you desire they take action, or need them to take action on this message?
Do they typically take action on ideas they find valuable, or need that directive?
If direction is preferred or required, what type and how much?
A common mistake is to involve yourself too much or provide too much direction. A Top Performer’s resistance is a clear signal to give them more space to perform on their own.
Always start with the least intrusive approach. It’s easier to get more involved than it is to back off after you have over-involved yourself.
Ask yourself this question: “What is the least intrusive approach I can use while still confident they meet the objective of delivering this message?”
Delivery Approaches – used almost exclusively with top performers
drop-off message – you get together, deliver the message and part ways – with minimal or no discussion
a drop-off message with a scheduled, reasonably comprehensive follow-up discussion
To some of you who have never used such a hands-off approach, those might seem insufficient. Remember who you are talking to; it’s your best people. Their profile suggests they will not only appreciate that approach but find it more than sufficient.
However, if you find it insufficient, you can always involve yourself more or switch to the traditional feedback approach with them.
traditional – we schedule enough time to have the complete discussion and schedule beneficial follow-ups
What type of feedback does the research suggest Top Performers benefit from the most?
improving strengths – help them develop what they already do well – capitalizing on the 80/20 principle
managing weaknesses – find ways to decrease the negative impact the weakness has on a strength. Don’t attempt to turn weaknesses into strengths.
Use an approach customized to your Top Performer’s qualities, and you’ll find they’ll be receptive to your feedback, value your suggestions and the approach you use which gives them freedom and respect and take action on your ideas, bringing even more value to your team.
Are you reluctant, hesitant or fearful of giving constructive feedback to top performers?
If a leader’s job is to:
create a success-oriented work environment that employees can thrive in
help employees improve, regardless their level of performance
That includes all employees, even your top performers, right?
Many leaders understand and accept that position, but struggle to do it, especially when it requires delivering constructive feedback to their best folks.
The reasons for their reluctance vary.
From Deliverer concerns like:
not wanting to appear unappreciative of a top performer’s stellar performance
being uncomfortable giving them constructive feedback – “they know more than me”
having the luxury of not giving any feedback and still meeting team goals
To Receiver concerns like:
my top performers don’t appear to want feedback and might not receive it well
fear that after delivering the feedback, their performance will decrease
While no universal approach exists that is effective, every time, for everyone, there are general guidelines to follow. Applying these rules to the concerns above will help decrease your reluctance.
Deliverer concerns
You won’t appear unappreciative if, over time, you’ve delivered enough appreciative feedback that they value, for their stellar performance. Have you?
You cannot wait until you are comfortable. Your comfort level will only increase after you deliver this feedback, manage responses and customize the approach.
YOU have areas of expertise that they don’t. Look for ways to apply your expertise to help them display their expertise and close skill gaps.
While you may still meet team goals without delivering any feedback, helping everyone reach their potential should be your concern.
Receiver concerns
When top performers realize – on their own – that they made a mistake, they typically beat themselves up. Realize that part of their difficulty receiving your message has nothing to do with you. You’re just a witness to their disappointment and embarrassment.
Constructive feedback stings. Even people who ask for it may flinch or get defensive when you deliver it. Anticipate reactions, and prepare responses that keep the conversation focused on the end goal.
Pleasant meetings, where feedback is well received are enjoyable, but they are not your ultimate goal. Many top performers, who do not receive feedback well, eventually apply it and improve performance when they realize it has value and you delivered it with good intention.
While top performers may be different in their:
level of contribution
demands they put on themselves
expectations of perfection
scrutiny of their performance
They are not different about having blind spots.
Blind spots are things we do not see in ourselves, that are obvious to others. Others will benefit when you sensitively point out their blind spots and support their efforts to accept them and improve. People who value being the best, and pride themselves on top performance match the profile of those most inclined to address the blind spots revealed.
Helping top performers improve may be your easiest ‘sell’ and the greatest return on investment that you will make as a leader.
The problem with all students is that they inevitably stop somewhere. They hear an idea and they hold on to it until it becomes dead; they want to flatter themselves that they know the truth…. everyone must constantly be pushed to the abyss… you must continually start over and challenge yourself.
That’s my perspective, what’s yours? Leave us a comment or question below this post, and don’t miss the video on this topic on YouTube!
P.S. Next week: Are You Prepared For Success?
In 2 Weeks: Part Two – Helping Top Performers Improve.
Passive-aggressive behavior is one of the most destructive forces you will encounter in the workplace. It can destroy the teamwork you worked so hard to create. As the manager, you should address this quickly by setting new expectations for the team.
Rather than mandating the new expectations, get their buy-in to resolving differences among themselves in the following manner: In a team meeting say, “I’d like your input on how you prefer to resolve differences with each other. If a teammate has an issue with you or something you are doing, would you prefer:
they bring it to me (the manager) without discussing it with you. Then I will discuss it with you, without saying who brought it to my attention, OR
they come to you, and the two of you discuss the issue face to face?”
Most people prefer to discuss it with their teammate. When your team chooses that option, you now have their buy-in. Then say to them, “Because we are all in agreement, let’s make that the new expectation. When you come to me with a problem you have with a teammate, I will ask you what you said to them before coming to me.”
Then get their commitment to follow the 3 R’s:
Resolve issues with your teammates and not engage in passive-aggressive behavior
Refuse to listen to a teammate complaining about another – thereby eliminating the passive-aggressive person’s audience
Redirect the person to deliver the message to the appropriate person
When they accept responsibility for resolving differences, the results will be:
more teammates resolving differences between themselves
fewer people coming to you to complain about teammates
more tolerance of their teammate’s behavior
increased teamwork as a result of better communication
If an employee comes to you for help when they don’t know how to address an issue and don’t want to make the situation worse, that is when you coach one or both of them how to have a respectful discussion or mediate between them. I’ll discuss mediation in another post.
That’s my perspective, what’s yours? Leave us a comment or question below and thanks for reading!
